I have always been known among my friends and colleagues to be a person of my word. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it. You can practically "take it to the bank" as the saying goes. Rarely, do I end up not doing what I say, and if circumstances are beyond my control, I will call and explain why I cannot do something. Integrity is a vital aspect of a Muslim's character. Breaking one's promise or word is among the attributes of the hypocrites. Narrated ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr (ra) that the Prophet (saw) said: “There are four (characteristics), whoever has them is a hypocrite, and whoever has one of the four has a characteristic of hypocrisy unless he gives it up: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise he breaks it; what he makes a pledge he betrays it; and when he disputes he resorts to foul language.” (al-Bukhari, Muslim) More importantly, Allah (swt) warns us that "surely every promise shall be questioned about." (17:39)
I retired from my full-time job in November, 2007 after receiving a diagnosis of MS. Alhamdulillah, it's not as bad as it sounds, as I have the "chronic-relapsing" type of MS. That means that the symptoms come and go. The problem is that I never know when I'm going to have a bad day or few days. I don't want to lay down and give in to MS, so I have been trying to live as full of a life as possible, going on pursuing my interests and goals. More than ever, the phrase "Insha'Allah" has deep meaning for me.
The problem is that I cannot always keep my word. Ya Allah! This really distresses me. Some days I am unable to follow through with my commitments due to my health. I know that one is not considered a hypocrite for not keeping a promise if it is beyond the person's control, i.e., due to illness or something similar.
But I grieve. I grieve what I considered to be a valuable aspect of my character.
See, I am also a recovering drug addict. I have been clean, Alhamdulillah, 25+ years. I worked real hard in recovery to become a personal of integrity. When I was getting high, I was a sneak. Every word and action from me was a lie. Dishonesty was my code. Everything that came out of my mouth was bullshit. I'd say or promise you anything with the sole intention of getting over on you. The only thing you would depend on coming from me was that I was going to do whatever I had to do, one day at a time, to get another drink, another hit, another bag, another shot. My drug of choice was "more". When I got clean, I slowly learned how to be a productive member of society once again. I learned in recovery that integrity is a vital spiritual principle that the recovering addict MUST live by and incorporate into his character.
People trust me today.
As I go forward, I have to learn to slow down, while still continuing to live an active life as much as I can. The hardest part of it all is going to be learning how to say "no" when I want to do so much in life.
It's "back to basics" as we say in recovery. "Easy does it!" "One day at a time!" "First things first!"
Our Lord! Take us not to task if we forget or fall into error! (2:286)
